Body language spoken LOUDLY

Today, after completing a delivery at a convenient store, I grabbed my hand-cart and prepared to leave. However, as I approached the door, a trio of friends were having a detailed conversation. I patiently waited a moment or two, but after failing to see them acknowledge me (or anyone else) wishing to access the door, I firmly but politely chirped, "Excuse me, please."
The cluster of companions still were too engrossed in their conversation, so I called out a little louder. This time, they looked at me, and moved themselves-- RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE DOORS in a straight line, so nobody could exit, or enter from the outside. Smooth move, Ex-lax.

I'm guessing they never learned what peripheral vision meant...

Dick Cheney, I presume?

Our local arts and entertainment weekly, "The Weekender," has published yet another odd Q & A feature... This week's poll question: "What are you superstitious about?"
Henry Rembish, 32, answered: " The shirt I accidentally shot my friend in. It hangs in the back of my closet but I won't wear it."
Adding much more clarity to this blurred picture is Chris Varzaly, 32, showing off a nasty scar right below his collarbone: "...Getting shot by guys in funny shirts."

With friends like this, who needs gun control?

Brain freeze

Due to a major snowstorm that hit Northeastern PA (17" on average) on Wednesday, my company needed to revamp our delivery schedule for the rest of the week.
Yesterday, (Sat.) I was preparing to deliver to a small store that has a history of money problems. Rather than have the order refused because they weren't able to pay, I took the invoice in first to see if they could foot the bill. The store owner met me with angry disbelief. "Why are you guys here today, instead of last Wednesday?" he demanded.
I stared at him, stunned at the obvious lack of intelligence in his question. I couldn't think of anything outside of the realm of sarcasm to say, so, with a deliberate tone, I dripped, "...Because the roads were covered with 17" of snow and the governor declared a state of emergency!"
I don't know if he was surprised by what I said, or if he thought I would sheepishly shrink back. After a brief pause, all he could do was meekly chirp, "...Oh..."

12:00! Time for your lobotomy!

Naive is your middle name

How I love getting comments from anonymous folks. Especially when they fit right into the format of this blog...
A mystery commentator left a response to my posting from 1/31 entitled "Reality Check." It was a story of a young mother who left her young children in a car on the side of a busy highway in order to go dancing inside a club, and was consequently arrested. The boys were scantily clad in shorts and T-shirts on a night where temps dropped below 50. A sad story indeed. However, what's even more alarming is what Mr. (or Ms.) Ambiguous had to say about it. Anonymous said: While I am sure that most of this story is true. I am sure that the reporter left out the fact that the boys had blankets or jackets. No one could sleep in shorts and t-shirts in those tempatures...the media really pisses me off!!!!!This woman should definately be punished, however, I'm sick of the media blowing everything out of proportion!!!!
You're joking, right? You actually believe this woman, who had her head so far up her butt that she could see her liver was thoughtful enough to provide the boys with blankets? Here's a chick so self-centered that she put a night out ahead of the welfare of her kids, and you think the news exaggerated? Come on now, get real. ...Come to think of it, perhaps were you there with her?
(BTW, "tempatures"??? Hukt on fonix may werk fer ewe two!)

If you believe that the media lied, then I'd like to tell you more about "Bat-boy" and the alien who has befriended Hillary Clinton.

Snow, sleet and freezing panic

Living in Northeastern PA means that from time to time we get snow. Not a new concept! However, it never ceases to amaze me how a little white stuff creates absolute mayhem, frenzy and general unpreparedness.
Our local news stations started predicting a major snow storm to hit us today three days ago, yet the streets were relatively calm and quiet, until today...
Snow flurries began around 2:15. Immediately-- but not prior to this point-- the entire region mobilized!
The lines for bread, milk and eggs at area grocery stores clogged every aisle. Traffic increased 5 times as everyone, motivated by incomparable fear, rushed out to secure their goods. ...And then had the audacity to be surprised when supermarket shelves grew bare!
As I delivered product to an area convenient store, a man DASHED (literally) into the store and exclaimed with a huge, loud sigh of relief, "Oh, thank GOD you have hamburger buns! All the other stores are completely out. Can you believe it???"
(You know, bud, the stores had plenty of buns Sunday. And Monday. Why didn't you go out and get them then?)

Hey, man, you're so on top of things. Have you considered a career as an emergency response operator?

The sweet that broke the camel's tooth

Something in this story from the AP just doesn't add up... Woman breaks tooth, wants town to pay (AP) ABINGTON, Mass. - Trying to get something done at town hall can be a pain, one local woman says for her it was literally. Joanne Harding broke a tooth on a Tootsie Roll-- Hold the phone! Broke her tooth on a TOOTSIE ROLL???
--broke a tooth on a Tootsie Roll she took from a candy jar in the town clerk's office in Abington Town Hall last month during a visit to get a license for her dog.
Now, Harding wants the town to help pay her $4,000-$5,000 dental bill.
"I took the candy, so it's partially my fault," the 40-year-old Harding told the Patriot Ledger of Quincy. "I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't there."
Town Manager Phillip Warren Jr. forwarded Harding's request for financial assistance to the town's insurance carrier.
"We'll wait to see what the insurance company says," he said.
Meanwhile, the candy jars are still there at the clerk's office.
Lots wrong with this little epic! First, $5000 for one tooth? What were they made out of, platinum??? Granted, I don't know much about the state of economics and medicine in New England, but...
Second, "It's partially my fault. I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't there"? What, did someone at the clerk's office MAKE you take a candy? I can see it now-- "Sorry, you can't be attended to until you have taken a candy from the jar!" Incredible. You have the audacity to admit fault, yet you want to hold the town a monetary hostage for YOUR mistake?
Third, broke a tooth on a Tootsie Roll? Just how long was that little treat sitting in that jar? Was it from 1997??
Lastly, and most incredulously-- if that's a proper phrase-- The jars are still at the office? That's smart. Now that everybody knows about this queer happenstance, open yourself up to more financial attacks by would-be gainers! No wonder taxes across the New England region are so high!

Another group of people helplessly sucked into the inescapable vortex of stupidity...

Since stupidity apparently knows no bounds, "PSST" will be renamed and retooled after the fifth presentation of the STUPIES! We'll be covering more things like this chickie-boo in MA and other asinine things people do that set them apart as... er, extremely stupid. Stay tuned!

Time for another "Just Shut Up"

This most recent awarding-- yes, this is not just a nomination, but an actual presentation-- of a supplemental "Just Shut Up" STUPIE goes to every single newspaper, radio station, TV station and tabloid in America for continually bombarding the public with the droning noise of Anna Nicole Smith's death. Everywhere you turn, there's her face, her bio, her career, her twisted paternal issues... I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring, but is anyone really surprised? Nothing in this gal's life made sense. Her existence lacked any semblance of rhyme or reason. (Now, I grant you that some things were out of her control, but most of it she brought upon herself.)
For those of us who are "normal" and striving to make our lives better on a daily basis, we find this constant blather just plain irritating. Anna lived a tragic life and died a tragic death. End of story.
Please, members of the media world, do us a favor and...

JUST SHUT UP!!!

Obviously wasn't a girl scout

The girl scout's motto is "Be Prepared," hence setting up today's sad and tragic tale.
ABC News obtained copies of some of the 911 calls that victims of the sudden tornado in Central Florida made, shortly after the vortex ripped apart their fair community. I couldn't believe what I heard, as ABC played the tape of a frantic, terrified (older) girl calling in to the emergency response center.
VICTIM: I... I think my mom is dead!!!
OPERATOR: Is anyone hurt?
V: My mom! My mom is gone and my mom's bed is gone! Oh, my God!
O: Is your mom there?

For Pete's sake, did you listen to a single word this poor gal just said? You want to help? Stop asking useless questions, admit to your superiors that you are NOT prepared to handle emergency situations and get more training! Isn't it enough that this gal just experienced the horror of her house being ripped to shreds by a tornado without you traumatizing her with stupid questions???

The dung stops here

The city of Scranton, PA has a law that pet owners must clean up all their pets' waste when taking the little beasties on a walk. However, this is seldom paid attention to, or enforced for that matter.
When the doody problem got a bit out-of-hand in a certain community, a couple of furious residents took matters into their own hands, posting home-made messages to would-be violators. The crude placards were captured on film and the picture posted in The Weekender, the area's local arts and entertainment weekly. Sign one read:
To the low-life scum who thinks it's OK to let their animals urinate and defecate on the lawn and sidewalk of an 80-year-old woman:
1) I have 2 adult German shepherds.
2) I will catch you.
3) You will reap what you have sown.
4) I live at ********, come and get it.
5) See the message your Penn St. neighbors left you."
The neighbors added:
To the inconsiderate nasty person who keeps allowing their DOG to trespass and CRAP on these lawns and does not CLEAN IT UP-- BE WARNED-- The police are being notified that you are BREAKING THE LAW! Let your dog stink up your own property, you lazy ignorant JERK.
Signed, the neighbors.
Yeah, it stinks (no pun intended) to continually clean up animal feces from your property, but "You will reap what you sow, come and get it"??? What, is Ethel going to defecate all over the violator's home? It also wasn't too bright of dear old granny to advertise her age, and then her address. I hope those to German shepherds are good watch dogs, ready to scare would-be burglars away.

I don't ever think I've seen waste divide a community as much as this one. ...Brings a whole new meaning to the term anal-retentive!