Thursday, May 24, 2007

Lost in PA and time

I was in the small town of Duryea, PA today, preparing to make a delivery to a mom-and-pop store. As I was about to enter the market, a man in a beat-up pick-up truck with out-of-state tags came rolling up. The driver, who looked like an overweight member of ZZ Top, called to me, "Hey buddy!"

I guardedly stopped and asked, "Yesss?"

"Is there a high school around here?"

My first thought: "PERVERT!" But, wanting to be at least civil, I responded, "No, not here. Which high school are you looking for?"

"One here in Duryea," the man quipped.

I shook my head, "Sorry, not here. The school district for this town is Pittston Area. The high school is in Yatesville."

Puzzled, the man shrugged, "Boy, am I lost. ...So, is there any high school right near here?"

Now I was getting a bit concerned. Hesitantly, I offered, "The closest is Old Forge, about 2 1/2 miles right up this road."

He muttered, "I wanted to find Duryea High School... So, no high school in Duryea, huh?"

"No," I reinforced. "The old Duryea High School was closed more than a dozen years ago when school districts consolidated."

Unwavering, he inquired, "Well, how would I get to it?"

I gave him directions, to which he stammered, "So, it's been closed a long time, huh?"


"... Boy, am I lost. What do I do now?"

Get into your DeLorean, call "Doc" for help and set your coordinates for the past!

NEXT UP: The 5th edition of the STUPIES, followed by the official unveiling of the newly renovated "Nullum Cerebellum Bomboli!"

It's hard to find ANY help these days.

As you readers may already know, we live in public housing. The place is decent, the neighbors are nice, and it's home. But maintenance is, well, practically non-existent.
Our neighbors have had troubles with their bathroom since January. The fixtures all needed to be replaced, and the plumbing is shot. Those poor folks have put up with a half-functioning relief facility for 5 months now. I can understand and appreciate their frustrations.
Today, "Tony" from maintenance decided to sit on his duff while doing something, so he got on the riding lawn mower to cut the grass that was just trimmed 6 days ago. Mr. Neighbor walked out of his house to vent on Tony a bit. As Tony turned off the mower, my wife could hear the following exchange:
Mr. N: Look, we've been waiting and waiting for this. When are you going to come back and finish this job?
Tony: Well, we can't do anything until we get a work order for it, so just keep calling the office.
Mr. N: We've been calling every day. For weeks now! How many more times do we need to call before you come back to fix (the bathroom)?
Tony: Um... Well... I don't know what to tell you. Just keep calling. We have to get a work order first.
Mr. N: But I'm telling you now. Can't you talk to somebody about it?
Tony: Um... Sorry... I don't know what to tell you.

Apparently, you're not getting a work order because you spend all day on your little tractor, instead of processing and prioritizing repair requests!

Looks like Tony's already taking his Memorial Day vacation...

One more post before the next edition of the STUPIES!!!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Windy wisdom

Somebody please try and explain to me what this woman is saying, because I heard it on the news, read it on the internet, and it still makes absolutely no sense to me.
WNEP-16 is running a story on a local power company pursuing an interest into placing a wind farm in a rural area community.
An energy company is considering putting up windmills in Wyoming County.
A meeting is scheduled for Tuesday night about it and a lot of people have a lot of questions.
BP Alternative Energy is considering putting a wind farm in the Noxen area.
"Windmills are the future otherwise we're going to drain our earth," said Cathie Pauley of Noxen but she doesn't know if she wants a wind farm there.
But there are still many questions.
"How are they getting the powers from here to where they're shipping it? We're not getting it. Are they putting it in boxes and shipping it UPS or are they building towers going down our mountains?" Pauley asked.
"Educate me. Prove to me this is going to be a good idea, you've got me. Prove to me that you're going to damage our environment, our view the only thing you have and intrude on people's property, you've got an enemy," Pauley added with a laugh.

OK, what do you want? To hear how it's a good idea, or how it will (not may) damage the environment? Yes, please educate me, enemy! At least ship me some energy in a box via UPS, or build me a tower down my mountain so I can get some energy.

How this is written is EXACTLY how she spoke it. No voice inflection, no pauses, no emphasis...

Methinks maybe BP Energy ought to harvest your head, because it appears to be an awful lot of breeze in your brain.

Monday, May 21, 2007


If you're just a common Joe, the title to this post means nothing to you. However, if you're a fan of the hit (and now cancelled) TV show "Jericho," you know EXACTLY what this means.
The cancellation of "Jericho" just goes to prove why CBS has not been a top-rate network for years. (That, and putting up with Dan Rather's shenanigans for years.) While the show wasn't the best-written drama on TV, the quality of the acting was excellent, and it was refreshingly original. It received great Nielsen ratings in the fall, until it was murdered by scheduling choices made by network execs. (Hopefully, soon exes.) In fact, courtesy
Viewers simply won't watch reruns of heavily-serialized shows anymore, and when networks just take them off the air for weeks -- or, in the case of "Jericho," three months -- at a stretch to avoid repeats, the audience often forgets to come back.
Network suits spent a lot of Upfront Week talking about how they need to do a better job about this in the future. The head of CBS, (Nina Tassler) admitting that she and her colleagues ruined "Jericho" with the scheduling, planned to hold back her most serialized show, "Swingtown," until mid season...
Translation: "Oops. We made a huge boo-boo. We hadn't the slightest clue how to promote and schedule a show, so we took our top-rated rookie show and flushed it down the toilet like yesterday's goldfish. ...I think we need a plunger."

So YOU killed this drama, along with your ENTIRE line-up of the 2006-7 season, and you stand by your decision? Obviously, you do, because you've hung up on fans making phone calls, returned unread e-mails, and refused delivery of letters from those who want to express their wish that an hour of entertainment is returned to them.

What a great way to run a multi-billion dollar organization.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Travel for the gifted

The following is an example of the type of posts you may regularly see on "Nullum Cerebellum Bumboli."

Today, while driving home from shopping, my wife and I observed a couple people on a property being developed for a new church building, standing next to a custom touring bus, much like a Greyhound. The bus had been bought by the church a number of years ago, and apparently, this pair was attempting to move it. The problem was, they couldn't get into it, as they were both PUSHING on the door.

A bus door ALWAYS opens outward; therefore, one must PULL in order to gain entrance...

"How many parishioners does it take to get into a bus?"

The site transformation takes place in 4 more posts, following the most current presentation of the STUPIES! Stay tuned and enjoy!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

2nd Today: English as a Partial Language

Tuesday, I was completing a delivery on my route. The product was received, the invoice was signed... I was getting ready to jump back into my truck which was parked alongside the road, when a huge semi heading the other way slowed way down. The driver, of... foreign descent, rolled down his window and waved to me. "Delivery?" he uttered in broken English.
Not sure if I had heard him correctly, I asked, "I'm sorry, what?"
"Delivery?" he repeated.
"Delivery for whom?" I stammered.
Again, with a small gesture, and more emphatically, he quizzed, "Delivery?"
OK, so he knows the word "Delivery." Great.
I was at a complete loss. "Who are you looking for?"
Frustrated, he dismissed me with a huff and a slight wave of the hand, and drove away.

I'm guessing that somebody didn't get their delivery that day.

Portable pool?

Sometimes, you see something that in and of itself isn't odd or funny, but then it's in the wrong place...
Today, I saw a sign that read:
Shallow water, no diving.
Diving can cause serious injury or death.
OK, fine. Makes sense. However, the location of said sign was strange--
...On the back door of a Ford cargo van.

On the road again... I just can't wait to swim on the road again...

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Football in mouth disease

Whenever sports takes precedence over things that really matter, the end result is always stupidity. Check out the latest from the AP as the presidential race heats up...
Brownback Feels the Heat After Dissing Favre
LAKE GENEVA, Wis. (May 12) - Note to Sen. Sam Brownback: In Packerland, it's not cool to diss Brett Favre.

The GOP presidential hopeful drew boos and groans Friday at the Wisconsin Republican Party convention when he used a football analogy to talk about the need to focus on families. "This is fundamental blocking and tackling," he said. "This is your line in football. If you don't have a line, how many passes can (Indianapolis Colts QB) Peyton Manning complete? Greatest quarterback, maybe, in NFL history." Oops, wrong team to mention in Wisconsin...
Realizing what he had said, the Kansas Republican slumped at the podium and put his head in his hands. "That's really bad," he said. "That will go down in history. I apologize."
His apology brought a smattering of applause and laughter. He tried to recover, saying former Packer Bart Starr may be the greatest of all time, but the crowd was still restless. "Let's take Favre then," Brownback said. "The Packers are great. I'm sorry. How many passes does he complete without a line?" "All of them!" more than one person yelled from the back. "I'm not sure how I recover from this," Brownback said.
No, I don't necessarily count Sen. Brownback's comments as a verbal boo-boo. The stupidity recognition goes to the AP, who have successfully editorialized the speech, making Brownback look like an idiot, and misconstruing his point of view. Besides, sorry, fans, Favre is NOT the greatest QB ever. But I digress.
Look, it's no big deal! People use analogies all the time, and the reason is to illustrate an important concept. The focal point is NOT the imagery itself. While I'm not necessarily a Brownback supporter, I agree with his position on the nuclear family.

Oh, God, I said "nuclear." I guess the press can accurately portray me as an environmental enemy, a backer of Iran's ideologies and a Reagan reminiscer. This post will go down in history.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Money'll buy you a lawyer, but not sympathy

Oh, boo-hoo-hooey. Paris is going to jail. One boozed cruise too many, it seems. While in general I don't give a rip about Ms. Hilton's life, I have to post her comments, as well as her lawyer's and mother's. After all, it's stupidity!
Paris Hilton Sentenced to 45 Days in Jail
Heiress Must Report to Prison on June 5
LOS ANGELES (May 5) -- Paris Hilton worked as a farmer and maid on her TV show "The Simple Life." Now she's facing a real-life hardship in her latest role: jail inmate.

Hilton, who parlayed her name and relentless partying into worldwide notoriety, was sentenced Friday to 45 days in county jail for violating probation in an alcohol-related reckless driving case by driving with a suspended license. As an inmate, she might have to spend most of her day in a cell smaller than her closet - her only luxury escape a short period to shower, watch TV, exercise or talk on the phone.
"I'm very sorry and from now on I'm going to pay complete attention to everything. I'm sorry and I did not do it on purpose at all," Hilton, 26, told a judge before the sentencing.
Her mother was visibly upset. "This is pathetic and disgusting, a waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense. This is a joke," Kathy Hilton said of the judge's decision.
Defense attorney Howard Weitzman said he would appeal. "I'm shocked, I'm surprised and really disheartened in the system that I've worked in for close to 40 years," Weitzman said. He said the sentence was "uncalled for, inappropriate and bordered on the ludicrous."
Hilton pleaded no contest in January to reckless driving stemming from a Sept. 7 arrest in Hollywood. Police said she appeared intoxicated and failed a field sobriety test. She had a blood-alcohol level of .08 percent, the level at which an adult driver is in violation of the law. She was sentenced to 36 months probation, alcohol education and $1,500 in fines. Two other traffic stops and failure to enroll in a mandated alcohol education program landed her back in court.
Let the scoffing begin!
"From now on, I'm going to pay complete attention to everything." Because apparently, nothing was worth paying attention to before. Like all the pedestrians and other motorists sharing the road as you're blasted out of your empty little skull.
"...A waste of taxpayer money with all this nonsense," says dear old Mommy. Right. Because cleaning up disintegrated cars and mangled bodies is cheap for cities to do!
"I'm surprised... in the system I've worked in close to 40 years." What kind of system are you used to, Howie? The rest of us observe the justice system.
"(The sentence is) uncalled for..." Sure it is! After all, us regular Joe Shmoes should get put away when we drive drunk, but a little rich girl who dabbles in shameless porn and excess is privileged, therefore, she doesn't deserve to be held accountable!


Monday, May 07, 2007

ADD chat rooms

My wife had found a wonderful event for our entire family to enjoy this last weekend. In a chat room she checks out regularly, someone informed readers of a Lenape (Native American) Pow-wow taking place in Allentown, PA, and attached a link to the site of the Museum of Indian Culture, on whose grounds the pow-wow was happening. The MoIC site even included directions and a map. No sooner had the guy posted the info, when a lady responded, "Sounds great! Where is this going to be?"

I guess we didn't see her this last weekend...

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Seriously. I'm NOT making this up.

Today, I was making a beverage delivery to the receiving department of a local Kmart. After the receiver checked me in, I went to take the product to the sales floor. Why I decided to look up toward the ceiling, I don't know; but am I glad I did! Posted near the rafters 10 feet above the door was the following professionally-done sign:

For Your Own Protection
No Sky Diving
In This Building.


Saturday, April 28, 2007

Something to sleep on

My wife and I just recently purchased a new mattress/box spring set. Even the sleep industry has taken an intellectual snooze when printing up the warranty and mattress care guide!
Easy steps for rotating your turn-free mattress-- if you want to...
Wait a minute. ROTATING a TURN-FREE mattress? Isn't this a bit of an oxymoron?
Rotation #1: First, rotate mattress counter-clockwise 1/2 turn. Then realign mattress with foundation.
...Because rotating clockwise won't help, right? Also, I guess rotating the mattress a full turn is pretty much useless...
Rotation #3: Rotate mattress again 1/2 turn counter-clockwise. Then realign mattress with foundation.
...What happened to rotation #2? And why couldn't you just say, "Repeat rotation #1 as needed"?

Duh! Looks like someone doped up on Lunesta when concocting this pamphlet!

Thursday, April 26, 2007

2nd today: Mental Mishap Murders Marked Man

(Catchy title, huh? Think it's New York Post worthy?)
More proof that thinking is a lost art, courtesy of the Scranton Times-Tribune.
Suspect: I didn’t think plot to kill would lead to death
A local woman admitted to police that she never thought a plan concocted to kill her husband actually would lead to his death, according to testimony at a preliminary hearing Wednesday.
Patricia Luyster, 37, and her daughter, Clarissa, 17, are charged with criminal homicide and conspiracy to commit murder for the death of Ronald Luyster, 41, Mrs. Luyster’s husband and Clarissa’s father.
Cody Steich, 18, is charged with shooting Mr. Luyster once in the chest on April 14... where Mrs. Luyster and Ms. Luyster live.
Trooper Patrick Zirpoli, a criminal investigator, interrogated Mrs. Luyster. He read from her statement that she talked about killing her husband with Mr. Steich and her daughter for two weeks prior to his death. She knew Mr. Steich had a gun, “but didn’t think he’d do anything.”

Well, huh-huh-hh, mmm, gwarsh golly-gee! Muh teeny weeny brain din't figger that one out! Gee. I wanted to kill him, but I didn't want him to actually die!

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. And it must be stopped, before I kill someone. ...Else...

Look out, lucky singles!!!

Stop surfing those online dating services! Don't call that personal ad! Give up on the bar scene! The classiest of the class are right here in Northeast PA!
Our local arts and entertainment weekly has a regular feature called "Model/Man of the Week." While I'm not sure about the criterion to getting oneself chosen to such a role, it definitely is an eye-opener.
Accompanying a full-page photo is a very short bio and a series of questions answered by the wanton guy and gal. This week, The Weekender asked Melissa Gibblets, (makes me think of Thanksgiving dinner) age 30, "What does the opposite sex need to do to impress you?"
Answer: "They need to be able to hold an intelligent conversation with me... Or play guitar."

Translation: I'd like to date Stephen Hawking. Or "Fletch" from "The Space Gorillas." Whatever.

Don't despair, ladies! We've got a catch for you, too! D.J. Giancola, 21, responds to the query, "What smell turns you on?" with "Old sweaty socks."

Great. A gym bum who never washes his clothes or bathes.

Thank GOD I'm married!

Friday, April 20, 2007

Education at its most unsanitary

Talk about hands-on learning about health hazards!
Our local library's children's department features a lot of programs and events for our kids, which normally is great. However, the most recent E-mail notice they sent us really wrinkled my nose...
Worm Composting
Presented by the Penn State Cooperative Extension

Help build a worm composting bin!
Bring in your food scraps
to feed to the worms!
Bin will remain in the lobby all week.
All ages
Tuesday, May 1, 4:00pm
Lackawanna County Children’s Library
Free registration

What nit-wit thought this was a great idea? Bring your garbage to a public institution? Why not just feed the worms in your home garden?
The thing I love the most about this... "Bin will remain in the lobby all week." Oh, yuck. So every time you go to the library that week, you have to listen to your kids whine, "Phew! What's that yucky smell???"

Hello, 4-1-1? Can I please have the number for the Department of Public Health?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

2nd today: Paula Abdubl-bl-bluh-bla!

I really do enjoy the popular show "American Idol," especially as a lyricist/musician, analyzing the talent. (Or, in Sanjaya's case, a lack thereof. But I digress.) However, the constant blathering by the judges sometimes gives me cerebral discomfort.
Last Tuesday, after contestant Jordin Sparks offered her musical contribution, Paula tried-- feebly-- to express her approval, amazement and appreciation. "You know, you-- wow, just look at you... You know, you're... you're just... YOU..."

Yep. Last time I checked!
You're you. Therefore you are.

We interrupt this normally stupid blog...

To bring you a laugh courtesy of my family... It's not stupid, just cute!
Whenever I come home from a day of delivering beverages, I'm always greeted by my very enthusiastic children, including my youngest, 3-year-old "Nugget," as we nick-named him. (Don't ask.) After the initial audible burst of "DADDY!!!", I sat in my favorite chair with a highball while the kids went upstairs to play.
A few minutes passed, and Nugget came bounding (literally) downstairs and saw me again, and called out, "Oh! Hi dere, Mommy!" (You know how kids can often be somewhat dyslexic.)
I chuckled, "I'm Daddy!"
Without missing a beat, he replied, "OK. I'm Nugget!"

Did I just walk into an AA meeting? Or... Just how much brandy did I pour into this glass?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Take it or leave

More proof that when people have nothing else to talk about, they talk about the weather.
Northeastern PA is getting hit by a large Nor'easter. Considering what others are experiencing, we here in this neck of the woods are making out rather well. There's 3"+ of rain, 6" + of sloppy snow, and lots of wind. (At least it's not the Blizzard of '96!) has once again fed the frenzy by going out, seeking comments from area citizens about what they think about the storm.
"It's spring. We don't need it..."
"It's crazy. It's nuts for April..."
Howard O'Connor goes a bit too far with it, even though he's trying to put a positive spin on it.
"The Lord sent (the snow). We'll take it..."

I'd hate to be around this guy if he lived in other climates/locales.
SoCal: "The Lord sent the lightning that sparked a forest fire and burned down our entire housing community. We'll take it."
Kansas: "The Lord sent that tornado through my trailer park. We'll take it."
San Fran: "The Lord sent the earthquake that caused 8 million people to fall into the Pacific. We'll take it."
Oswego, NY: "The Lord sent 450" of snow. We'll take it. Never mind my roof."
Indonesia: "The Lord sent that 30' wall of water. We'll take it."

Howard O'Connor, you are the ignorant recipient of another "Just shut up" STUPIE!

17 more posts, and this site will officially become "Nullum Cerebellum Bumboli," which will incorporate non-verbal expressions of stupidity! Stay tuned!